It has taken me a long time to find words again to put out into the universe that are meaningful, at least words that are not in the form of some school based idea, topic or project that i have repeatedly had to discuss over and over and over again. It also feels as though for the past year or so there has not been that much good in people that i have seen that i want to write about. Now obviously that’s not the case and much of this has to do with my attitude, which by admission has been really shitty towards everything, but when all that is shoved in your face constantly is terrible news or people choosing to be terrible people, it really makes it hard to find a reason to write about the good. Now with all of this being said, and thanks to some real talk, I’m f*%&ing plowing into 2020 with a different mindset and a different attitude where its time to do less waiting and more moving; moving on, moving up, moving past and moving forward.
With all of what just was said, i am still not starting off 2020 by talking about a good person, a good project or other good things. I am going to try to put into words an event that happened to me over Christmas vacation that again restored my choice to have a rescue dog become a part of my family; something i have seen only in video form. This is an ode to my boy Fleury.
This event really only happened a few days ago, but i have been on Christmas holidays since the end of December, and have been having a really difficult time with sleep, sleep patterns, comfort, you name it. Going to bed really sucked and i couldn’t and still totally do not know why. After getting up during the night at least half a dozen times i remember just returning to bed, attempting to sleep and something setting me off to where i was kicking covers and swearing profusely at no one. This had never happened before and this was obviously the culmination of several days of a constant sleep and wake cycle.
Both of my dogs have very different ways of sleeping on the bed, both are equally frustrating but not the cause of my outburst i do know that for sure. Milly, my 7 year old female Boston Terrier climbs onto the bed, tries to lick your face and hands clean until told no multiple times and then retreats under the covers, burrowing like a groundhog i guess? Fleury, my 5 year old male rezcue pup (rez/rescue) always jumps on the bed, lays at the end and chews on one of his “anxiety” blankets that i buy every few weeks from a sale bin that he carries everywhere around the house and uses as his “medication” i guess?
Anyways, I’m bicycle kicking the comforter, i’m dropping F bombs like nobodies business when i feel the lower part of the bed rise up, and a mixed breed sized dog body plunk itself directly into the “small spoon” position beside me, extend his neck and head back towards me in the dark and begin licking my face. I held onto him like a body pillow which felt like it was 20-30 minutes, but thinking back it was only maybe 3-5 minutes tops. I could feel myself beginning to relax, my heartbeat beginning to return to its normal pace, and just as fast as he came to my rescue, he knew i was calm and returned to his own spot at the end of the bed with his blanket.
In the moment and going through it couldn’t comprehend it, but after all i could think was “shit did this dog recognize anxiety symptoms, did this pup from the rez just service dog me outta nowhere, no training , nothing? This pain in my ass for the first three years of his life just erased all of the early difficult times with one purely dog act of selflessness and just being completely loyal to his dude: me.
In conclusion, my dog, underneath his attitude, his nervous energy, and his anxiety, lies a champion, a hero, a mental health worker, and a best friend with unrelenting love for me. That’s pretty amazing. So, in 2020, i am going to change my attitude, i am going to make money moves (not just for money though), but i am also going to take more time to see past the shit, whether it be in situations or in people, and be a genuinely more selfless friend, a more loyal friend and person, and a more authentic and confident version of myself; i might even try a blanket for anxiety reduction, who knows. What i do know is that this experience just reaffirmed for me that dogs really are a persons best friend.
Peace & Love in 2020,